Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Randomize
