he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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