i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
