Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
