I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
