I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Randomize
