I met the friendliest cop last night
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize
