Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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