good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
