You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
