she smelled like a LAN party
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
