Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
