Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
