Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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