im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
