I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
