So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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