It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
