Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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