I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
