I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
My orgasm happened in two different decades
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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