Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Found the puke drawer
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
