You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
