The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
