Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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