I didn't shave. On purpose
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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