i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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