We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
