i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
