I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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