I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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