Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
