laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
