I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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