I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Randomize