The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize