I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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