Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize