You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
