i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
