Can i not drive my cunt home
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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