I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
