peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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