i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
