Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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