I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
