My hand turned me down
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
two words: eviction party
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
