I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
