ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
