so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
