you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
