i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
My liver is preforming stress tests.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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