Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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