No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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