just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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