Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
