You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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