she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I have fence marks all over my body
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
