I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
