you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
